Time travel might make life lessons easier

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July 27, 2012

Time travel might make life lessons easier

By MATT CHRISTIAN Princeton Times The Zope Gazette Fri Jul 27, 2012, 05:00 AM EDT

PRINCETON — This column is going to resolve around the time travel premise. I got this idea while I was interviewing students at the Mercer County Creative Writing Camp a few weeks ago.

Not long ago, I, too, was one of those students sitting in a classroom listening to published authors and going to the Barter Theatre to watch a play. And I can't think of a better time in my life to travel back and offer myself some advice.

By the way, we're assuming that traveling back in time is possible. I remember reading were Stephen Hawking said that time travel was not possible, so we'll assume that the smartest man alive is wrong.

Also, we'll be assuming that I can go back to talk to myself in the past because “The Langaliers” version of the past does not occur and that I have access to a time machine right now that would allow me to go back to that specific time.

For the purposes of this column, I'll be calling myself Matt Prime, and the Matt from 2004 “2004 Matt.”

Matt Prime: Hey, Matt! Come over here for a second!

2004 Matt: What in the world?

Matt Prime: Yep, this is you eight years from now. In your mental images of the future, you're probably thinking of yourself as a successful sports writer.

In a way, you are. I currently write for the Princeton Times and I couldn't be happier, but I think I've found a few ways to make our life better. I want to see if they will help.

2004 Matt: Okay, so, you've come back in time to give me some advice, right?

Matt Prime: Yes, yes I have.

2004 Matt: Okay, I understand.

Matt Prime: First, your attitude about the South is completely wrong. Two years from now, we'll read a book by Clay Travis that will change how we think of the South. Eventually, you will make plans to move there with your wife. So, I'm saving you the trouble of discovering this.

I want you to remember that the South is not a backward place but the best place in the United States.

2004 Matt: Yeah, well, how come they vote Republican then?

Matt Prime: Look, right now, you're all interested in making things fair and equal. In 2008, we'll take a test on the Internet and discover that we are libertarian. This will lead us to believe that the government is a disasterous creation that exists by stealing from others.

So, yeah, there's no point in being this liberal. We give that up, too.

2004 Matt: Wait, you're telling me that in eight years, I'm going to be an anarchist, work in Princeton [I always wanted to leave until I did and found that I missed being here], and love the South?

Matt Prime: Yes, and if you stop looking at the world like you do right now, it will be of great benefit to you.

2004 Matt: Okay, normally I would debate you, but I guess you're right because you've come here to help me.

Matt Prime: That's good.

2004 Matt: Hold on, you said we were married?

Matt Prime: Yep, we'll actually get married in our senior year of college to a girl from Fuzhou, China. She's wonderful. Trust me, we married up in the world.

2004 Matt: Cool!

Matt Prime: Oh yeah, before I forget, there are some things that I need to tell you. They're not quite as important as our political beliefs but still.

Next year, you'll take a test in Mr. Hodges' AP History class and bring home a 39 or so because you couldn't even read the summaries of “Uncle Tom's Cabin.” Don't worry about that, you will pass the AP US History test.

Also, you'll meet a girl in our senior year of high school and our AP English grade will drop to like a 72, or something. Please don't do that. Just pay attention to Mrs. Bowling and get good grades.

Please make sure to take better care of our car [1995 Honda Civic SE]. That means don't drive as fast, and watch out for cars at the top of Eads Mill Road.

Finally don't, and I repeat don't, forget to watch two things: Texas Tech football, Mike Leach is doing some brilliant things down there; and “King of the Hill.” You'll regret not finding these things sooner in the future.

2004 Matt: Hey, thanks.

Matt Prime: Now, let's talk about the stock market. Make sure to buy some Apple Computer stock. Get as much of it and gold as you can. They'll both be off the charts in 2012.

Matt Christian is a Princeton Times reporter. Contact him at mchristian@ptonline.net.

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